Self-conscious or Conscious of Self?
One of my clients told me her decision.
"I will not be self-conscious anymore...I will be conscious of self"...so WISE.
Being self-conscious we worry about what people think of what we do, how we do it, and of who we are.When we are self-conscious we aee ourseves through the eyes of others...or at least how we think they see us (often very wrong).
Being conscious of self, we consider whether we are doing what we consider right. Are we living to our own rules? Are we congruent with what we want to stand for?We do what we need to do and how we need to do it.
What a great distinction!!!
Which do you do?
All my best wishes,
Hopeless...can't do anything! Give up...no way...look after yourself!
Life can sometimes get very difficult. Wet think, " What's the point". We can't be bothered doing or trying anything. ALL TOO HARD.
BUT...There is a point. You HAVE TO GO ON... AND things WILL CHANGE...even though it feels like this state is forever.
Things will change no matter...definitely if you do absolutely nothing...You'll get less well..less fit...perhaps sick .Because you haven't taken care of you, may be exhausted and not able to make decisions and changes. yes, they will change...for the worse.
SO...When feel you can't do anything...THINK...I can do something...I CAN and MUST LOOK AFTER MYSELF.
You know what that means, so I won't go into it here.
But if you are in that situation...now or in the future...print out these words and put them somewhere as a reminder.
THIS IS HOPELESS...CANT BE WORSE!!!
YES... IT CAN IF YOU DON"T TAKE CARE OF ME!!!
Forgiving is not Forgetting
We often link the two..."forgive and forget".
But to do that is almost impossible especially if something has been particularly painful.
It is also not very wise as it means you go on as if the hurt hadn't happened. Part of life's learning is to learn to self protect.This is done based on changing behaviour and beliefs because of what you have learnt...so forgetting is as I said...unwise.
I have always thought and felt this, but at times thought.. I just hadn't evolved enough to..."forgive and forget".
The other day I listened to Jack Kornnfield speak and to my delight he said just that.
Jack Kornfield is a leading figure in American psychology. He has a Ph.D in Clinical Psychology. He was born Jewish and became, and a still is, a Buddhist monk. He is the author of several excellent books...So an appropriate authority.
Now I feel a new confidence in separating the two concepts.
Not to forgive leaves you prisoner to the past. It prevents your emotional freedom. The other person/people may not even know that you even still think of them...their power continues.
Forgiveness is the emotional part...that needs to be set free.
Forgetting is the cognitive part...that's learning.
AND not BUT
"BUT"...such a stop word. When someone tells us something, whatever it is and then precedes to..."But...", the but seems to undo all that preceded it.
We do it to ourselves. "I would like to ...But..." Topic closed.
In her great book "Living in Process" Anne Wilson Schaef, talks about using and instead of "but". Her and is always and, an underscored and, to differentiate it from the normal and. It recognises that the concepts may normally be seen as not compatible or that the two thing put together may not be easy...and...you intend to do both...or at least have a shot.
Try putting more and in your life. Just using a different word can make an incredible difference to the feel of the concept.
Stepping into someone shoes.
We are often told that to understand someone we need to Step...or walk...a thousand steps...in their shoes.
So,lets explore this notion of stepping into someone's shoes.Yes, this is usually how we can come closer to understanding how someone else may feel. It is one of the key ingredients of empathy.
But...beware of thinking you know what they are feeling.We can only guess at it with reference to ourselves. We have to check with the person if we are correct. Assumptions of knowing can be irritating and instead of creating understanding can alienate. Try to remember when someone did this to you..."I know just..." How did it feel?
Gentle exploring from a sense of how it may be for the person, can allow them to correct, to open up, to share.
Another aspect you might like to consider is, if you are having problems with someone, step into their shoes...see it from that perspective. The actions you might choose may be very different. We tend to very much remain in our position. We tend to just see our side and this weakens our communication. It may even weaken our bargaining power.
Lastly I'd like you to step into someone else's shoes and see YOU!!!
What would they see? How would they communicate with you? If you find this very difficult ask someone to initially help.Objective (as objective as it can be!) self-knowledge is a powerful ally to assist in life.It may affirm what you know, but it may make you realise that perhaps you appear in many ways differently to what you think. You can celebrate...or change!!!
In all of the above ways seeing things from another's perspective enriches our understanding.
Try it for fun...as an experiment...a private game. You might be suprised at what you discover.
All the best to everyone.